


Taco Bell Goes to Dipper

by NUKANotUserKnownAs



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Abduction, Character Death, Crack, Dark Crack, Dead Crack: Do Not Smoke, Dipper Goes to Taco Bell, Food Kink, Other, Public Humiliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:20:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24415789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NUKANotUserKnownAs/pseuds/NUKANotUserKnownAs
Summary: Taco Bell (unrelated) goes to Dipper.Soundtrack:Eric Burdon - Sky Pilot
Kudos: 11





	Taco Bell Goes to Dipper

At these timescales, a person's a monolith. Raindrops are frozen worlds. Concrete and stucco flow like water, but that's a different deal.

The restaurant, which is what it called itself, as "Taco Bell" was only its given name - was looking for Dipper, which it knew to be a short human with a baseball cap. It hurled its functional, vaguely Spanish-colonial bulk between trees, cat-footed it over the creek, waddled awkwardly through scree, and never did find him, despite going over a good four miles of forest.

The Arbys had told it not to bother. The A&W was a chronic depressive, and never said anything. The Office Depot, which was rude and bossy, told it to shut up and stop antagonizing the A&W, even though it was two blocks away and had to struggle to listen. The Quiznos, which was too lazy to leave the mall under all but the severest duress, offered to keep an eye out for Dipner, which wasn't even his name.

No, it fell to the Taco Bell, as all things usually did. The restaurant careened over a bridge and hit the valley at a gallop. Dipper was not in the forest, therefore, Dipper was in town. The Taco Bell had made an enormous circle, with its tail in the heights and its head here, at the railyard, but it wasn't a problem. It might've been a problem for the Quiznos, who was absurdly out of shape, who was fat even in their ears, a real fat-ears who couldn't even be bothered to _pretend_ to help, but for Taco Bell? Barely a jog.

And so there was Dipper. What he was doing in town was anyone's guess. He was flatter than the Taco Bell remembered him, and his teeth had gone up between his eyes and widened grotesquely, and his big round nose (which was now above even his eyes) had been replaced by the legend "Dodge", and he was a 1969 Dodge Dart, but aside from that - Dipper, definitely, baseball cap or otherwise.

"But- why is he _here?_ " the Taco Bell asked itself. There was certainly something eerie about the whole thing: no one in the forest, Dipper inexplicably somewhere in Gravity Falls, the way his eyes glowed and cast twin cones across the asphalt...

"I'm being an idiot," the Taco Bell informed itself. It opened Dipper's driver-side door and slipped inside.

The interior was nice. Dodge, so far as the Taco Bell knew, didn't even _make_ crushed velvet uphostery. This had to be a custom job. The key was still in Dipper's ignition, and the restaurant turned it. The engine rattled ominously. The restaurant shifted out of park and prepared to pull out, when...

Pangs. Gurgling. It was the evening rush, the people who didn't mind eating Taco Bell for dinner and the people who worked nights. The restaurant went for the door, got it open, struggled heroically with Dipper's seatbelt, and then lost the battle. It sprawled forward on the seat, its front door open, sick with shame and humiliation. People filed in and out, got impatient, stacked up around Dipper angrily. Its drive-through window was stuck behind the dashboard, and cars circled Dipper fruitlessly. It was perhaps the worst mess the poor Taco Bell had ever experienced.

And yet... It wasn't _that_ bad. There was a certain liberation in the whole thing, a playful, naughty letting-go. To serve customers while stuck in Dipper, to do all this in some railyard... Obviously, one couldn't do this every day, but...

An idea occurred to the Taco Bell. A terrible, nasty, dirty, bad idea, but you only got this kind of opportunity once. The crew began to make it a taco. No - a full taco salad, with jalapenos, which it didn't even like, not usually. It was going to make itself a taco salad and then it was going to eat that salad in full view of its customers. Unthinkable, if it were where it normally was, but no one could tell any two Taco Bells apart, and it would be easy as pie to pass off this railyard franchise as some insane out-of-towner, totally unrelated to the one uptown. The salad was finally complete. A cook grabbed it, ran outside, and crammed it down the mail slot.

The effect was beyond all calculation. The first person to notice what was happening was a nice-looking young man eating a serving of tostitos, which he promptly abandoned before speedwalking to the door. At the very edge, his foot touched a stray jalapeno, and he stifled a shriek like a finger on a wet balloon.

A woman turned to look at _him_ , saw the mess of destroyed taco salad on the floor, said "Oh, honey, no", and left through the other door, carrying her drink and a wrapped chalupa. People held their noses; people cringed and fled. The Taco Bell lolled and gasped, and began making an empanada. By the time the pastry was wrapped, only two people were left - an elderly man who studiously maintained eye contact with his fiesta potatoes, and an angry young woman who said nothing, but glared all around. The cook shoved the empanada through the mail slot, past which it landed with a limp splat, and both left.

The Taco Bell lay there, empty and slightly covered in its own food. Even the drive-through customers were gone. The crew had packed up and left. Worth it. It didn't notice Dipper's door closing, slowly and carefully.

The lock clicked. It noticed _that_. Dipper started moving. The streets of Gravity Falls rolled onward and the Taco Bell screamed and beat at the windows. They were speeding up, going just as fast as they could without getting stopped - a cop drove past and the Taco Bell howled at him, achieving nothing - and heading for the outskirts of town.

Outside of town, Dipper - was it Dipper, what was this terrible thing whose wheel didn't turn, whose brake was like iron - went a mile a minute. The Taco Bell slammed itself into the door over and over, chipping its exterior and breaking its own windows. At last, with the Dipper-thing tearing across the blacktop so fast it drifted, and its sign in plastic shards, the Taco Bell fainted.

ARBYS ANNOUNCES NEW "ARBYS TACO"

_Look out! Arbys is going south of the border with its newest menu item, the Linoleum'n'Glass Cowboy Wrap! Combining crunchy glass with the mild flavor of linoleum flooring, the LnG Wrap is a bold entry into the Mexican_ _ring. Four for four, only at Arbys. Get yours while supplies last!_


End file.
